And So I Drive……

Me & my boy!

October 20, 2010

I’ve been in Raleigh with Walker since Saturday.  We’ve had a good visit, went to a movie, went to eat at some of our favorite places, laughed a lot, talked much and even managed to do a little homework.

Last night I lay in bed with him until 2:00 am just watching him sleep.  He seems so at peace when he sleeps, like he doesn’t have a care in the world, while I on the other hand lay beside him torn, sad, and worried.  I wish so much to be like Walker.

I took Walker to school this morning.  I tried to tell him good-bye and that I loved him.  I’m sure he heard me but he just gave me a quite nod of his head.  You see he was with his friend; he has reached that age when it is not “cool” to say I love you to his dad in front of his buddies.  I was the same way when I was his age.  He does say it, just not in public.  I can respect that.

Now it is time to go.  I don’t want to leave.  It breaks my heart every time I go.  I think every time I leave that a little part of my soul dies.  I can’t help but to cry.  When I first started leaving him, a year or so ago, I’d cry hard, real hard.  The kind of crying that leaves you gasping for air, I could feel my soul falling apart. I’d be lying if I said it gets easier with time to go, it just doesn’t.

I hope one day I’ll be able to explain all this to Walker.  I worry one day he’ll hate me, that he’ll get older and resent me leaving.  I’m sure he will understand but there is still that part of me that say, “Will he understand me, will he forgive me?”

Now let me tell you the most amazing thing about the love between Walker and me.  My heart and soul break every time I leave him or he leaves me, that is true. The amazing thing is, with each phone call, each good memory, each “I love you dad” my heart and soul mend. They are healed!   To me that is true Grace, unconditional love between a father and a son is simply amazing!

Walker and I have had four great days together.  That is what I have to remember when I start my ride and the tears start to fall.  I hope that that is what Walker remembers too.

God,

Today I ride down that road again that takes me away from my boy. It’s a long hard road full of all types of emotions. I don’t like the ride, but for now it is a ride I must take. I thank you God for the gift of Walker, for letting me be his dad and letting me know his love.  He is a good boy and I love him very much.  Please watch over him and his mom while I’m gone. Let them know happiness and love protect them for all things evil, shelter and protect them always. Amen

Peace & Grace to you all. ~ Parker